Ayoon Wa Azan(Viagra or PhD?)
Jihad el-Khazen Al-Hayat - 01/05/06//
I received an e-mail trying to persuade me to buy Viagra. We all know something about Viagra. But the e-mail or the ad included six other brands of what I assume to be drugs of the same use. Shipping is free, while the rest of the information is not for publication.
'Dar Al-Hayat' encompasses a computer company of its own as part of the broader institution. The company's experts have access to the technology that enables them to filter any material that we do not really need. Yet, some emails manage to slip through the computer's defense system until they are finally 'arrested' by 'the vice squad' in Dar Al-Hayat.
I was about to ignore the Viagra offer when I discovered that my colleagues did not receive the offer. I am an anxious person by nature. So I kept thinking that the Viagra Company must know something about me that made it decide that I needed help.
It is said that all men are born equal and remain so until they visit a strip club. However, there are no such clubs in our countries. We believe that if one happens to commit a sin, he must hide it. 'Hiding' here is used literally and figuratively.
When the internet does not sell me Viagra, it sells me scientific certificates. I received an offer to obtain a Masters degree in International Relations (from a German university called The Free University in Berlin where a student spends only two years of studying).
This seems reasonable. A certificate requires studying, yet why should I bother myself with studying. I have another offer to obtain a diploma in any field I choose along with a letter of recommendation without even attending a class. However, this could prove necessary, because I do not think I will obtain a recommendation if I attended. Furthermore, and this is exactly what was written in the e-mail, there are 'No required tests, classes, books or interviews'. Still, the degrees offered are those of Bachelors, Masters, MBAs and Doctorates (PhDs) 'available in any field of your choice' and 'Everyone is accepted; never is any one turned down'.
George Bush, as well as some Arab leaders, has graduated from this college. The reader still might not believe that Bush has the highest certificate an American President ever obtained. Neither Bill Clinton nor Bush senior was a student in Harvard and Yale like George Bush.
I was still thinking whether to buy Viagra or a PhD in political sciences without having to study, when I received an e-mail that read 'Your credit does not mean a thing to us…' This is quite logical; it means nothing to me or to the bank. But I started to worry again. These people are interfering with my financial as well as my sexual affairs. Maybe this is related to detecting terrorism. Every Arab has become a potential terrorist thanks to three: Bin Laden, Al-Zawahri and Al-Zarqawi.
After this introduction, I discovered that the offer is to receive a loan in return of mortgaging my house. I will then have interests and installments that would take me thousands of years to clear.
However, I quickly discovered that I did not need a loan because I won one million pounds sterling from the British lottery. In brief, I won the sum in the 2005 charity bonanza. The winner is selected from a database of internet e-mail users. I understood that this was a monthly lottery and that I am to win one million pounds sterling on a monthly basis.
This is nice, except that I have not bought a lottery ticket for years. As far as I remember, when I won the greatest prize in the Lebanese lottery in 1970, it was only 60,000 Lebanese lira or 40 dollars in today's currency.
I then found an offer which is even better than one million sterling pounds. A Dutch citizen, Reinier Johannes, wrote me that he is suffering from throat cancer and that he is on the verge of dying. He wants to leave me four million euros as appreciation of my work in charity. He wants my complete name and my account number in order to transfer the four million to me at once.
With these four million euros, I could buy shares in the Gulf and the sum would double in two months, and so on.
However, I stood like the Bedouin who broke the margarine pot with his stick, watching his dreams spilling on the ground. I thought for a while, Johannes is talking about my work in charity and is asking for my name because he does not know me. I asked myself "Am I Dutch?" The offer reminds me of the Nigerian frauds I had had enough of before.
In Nigeria, and now Holland, there is someone asking for my bank account thinking he will find a fortune. However, my ambition regarding the bank is to reach a balance of my account. My relation with the bank is bound by this chain that ties the pen in front of the clerks' windows. The bank does not trust me with a pen worth a few piasters, and I need a one million pound loan until I inherit the Dutch Johannes. But the bank does not offer loans except for people who do not really need them.
I conclude with something that only people who have been living abroad for years, like me, can recognize. A friend sent me an English ad by an Arab Air company looking for flight attendants with specific qualities like beauty, height, weight, education, age and knowledge of languages.
What is strange about this? Such ads are not controversial in our countries. However, in the United States, Britain and other countries, a company like this could end in court with the accusation of discrimination against men, or fat or short women. Every group has an association that defends their rights. In this age, the Arab male has lost his rights once, the Arab female twice. She lost them once to the world and another to her husband.
I will get back to my readers when Reinier Johannes is dead. Wait for my distant phone call from Tahiti.
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